Holmes you astound me!

It's a fine question. See, NOW we're off on a topic ..

Why?

Why is it that two public men can do essentially the same thing, yet history (& our collective social conscious) record one man as a punchline and the other as a statesman? Clinton remains a joke and can never publicly smoke a cigar again. Yet both JFK & Thomas Jefferson had numerous affairs and their legacies are a thing of reverence, how?

Now surely we could go into the individual case histories of the men & find reasons that are unique to each. JFK was assassinated; Jefferson was a founding father on a level second to that only of George Washington (despite being the third president). But in pondering this question - why do some men end up scoundrels while other end up statesmen - I went looking for more generic reasons. Some rules of thumb. Some thing or things that could aide us in quickly and efficiently sizing up this quandary.

So here's my arm chair sociology report.. There are 4, ranked in order of importance:

1.) It's the cover up dummy.

Think about it for a second. Be it Clinton, Nixon, a friend, a spouse, a coworker. The cover up always seems to exceed the crime, in both magnitude and pain (and ultimately, in punishment).

Clinton was brought up on perjury charges. Nixon was destroyed by obstruction. Their troubles were made critical by their cover ups.

But it was even more than that, in terms of the general public. They both went out, publicly and persistently to claim their innocence. They went from lying to their wives, to lying to you and me. They found "too cute by half" methods of doing legal and mental Ninjitsu in order to maintain their position. Answering a prosecutor with, "it depends on what your definition of is, is" comes to mind. Now personally, and this is important for our discussion, I don't think committing the act of adultery automatically forever disqualifies a man from holding office. However, discovering a man is a serial liar, to the point of being a sociopath, does.

I'll put it another way. Bill didn't get the name "Slick Willy" because he slept with a lot of women. It was because of how he tried to linguistically maneuver out of guilt. Dennis Miller once said (in what I believe is the most accurate description of Clinton ever offered) "When you and your friends go to move a heavy couch, he's the one that fake lifts."

So lets call it the "Weasel Factor" (enough Wiener jokes already). When you publicly and persistently try to weasel out of guilt, and it unravels before everyone's eyes, you're more likely to be tossed into the scoundrel bin.

2.) The Relationships

And lets emphasize the plural there. If your wife leaves you, forget it, it's open season. John Edwards found this out. I'm convinced that had Hillary left Bill, we would have had President Gore (come to think of it, thanks Hil! hehe). Lets face it, if she stands by her man, you've got major deflection coverage. Even Kobe Bryant found that out.

The other woman - it matters if it was a one night stand, or you stay with her. If the man goes on to marry "the other woman", it helps square things with the public. It can come off as "love." A woman can be the guy's floozy OR his wife, not both. This is what Newt did, he divorced his wife and married that girl. He didn't bang an intern with a cigar and then concoct an elaborate web of lies to cover it up, all after story upon story about getting laid in the back of an Arkansas squad car at the drive through to McDonalds (I'm remembering an SNL skit with Phil Hartman, who did the best Clinton). I'm not saying Newt didn't commit adultery, or marrying her makes it ok, just that he isn't defined by the act. He's not a serial adulterer, Clinton was (is?).

So lets call it the "Nympho Nuptules Rule." If your wife stays with you, you've got a shot. If she doesn't, the only clean way out is to marry the other woman.

But even that may not overcome the hit to your reputation if people still think you'd screw a catchers mit.

And that leads me to number three.

3.) Patterns

An isolated incident can be trouble, but survivable (in terms of your reputation). But if it fits a pattern, you're really headed towards the scoundrel bin.

The rumor mill on Willy's indiscretion was active back to the early Arkansas governor days. Jennifer flowers, using state troopers to pick up women and deliver them, etc. The point is when there is a pattern of deception, you're likely to get nailed as a scoundrel (no pun intended).

And to be serious for a moment, on Newt versus Clinton. Adultery is adultery, I agree. But I never contended that committing an act of adultery was the disqualifier. It's wrong, no doubt. But people do make mistakes, and they change, grow, and don't repeat them. I think Newt could make that case plausibly. Does anyone here think Bill Clinton could? It makes me grin just typing that. Being a serial adulterer versus a single incident (in which you went on to marry the woman) does demonstrate a difference in one's judgement, to me. It's like lying. You can do it once to a friend or spouse, maybe even twice and move on with trust intact. But do it dozens of times and it becomes part of your identity.

So we'll call it the "Repeat Offender Rule." People are less sympathetic to a serial offender, no matter what the situation. And that's exactly what Bill is, and Newt is not. If you're guilty numerous times over numerous years, I feel comfortable calling your judgment into greater question than the isolated offender.

4.) Who the other woman is, matters.

If she is a subordinate, a student, secretary, intern, you're in more trouble. If she's an equal, or say famous and beautiful, you're in less trouble (gosh, I feel like I'm writing a "how-to" book for all the nefarious men in DC, ugggh.)

Beneath the Department of Treasury is a (formerly) secret door that leads to a tunnel, which connects with the White House. The official name of that entrance is "The Marlyn Monroe Door." Does anyone think there'll be a passageway called "The Lewinsky?" I doubt it. Guys in general are more likely to forgive your sleeping with a famous woman they themselves want to sleep with. It's not right, but it's true. During 1998 every married woman in America could turn to their hubby and ask, "Would you cheat on me with some heavy-set intern?" And she would get a resounding "No, no way, not a chance honey." That same wife would never ask "Would you cheat on me with Megyn Fox?" She wouldn't want the answer, and he wouldn't give it. Had Bill bedded Jennifer Aniston rather than Jennifer Flowers, he'd been better off (and I would have been jealous as hell!).

So, cruel and unfair as it is, we'll call it The Ugly Betty Rule. As president if you do Madeline Albright you're in trouble (and suffering from Glaucoma). Do Julia Roberts, and you're in the hall of fame.

So there you have it. That's my list.

Just an off the cuff montage of 4 reasons I think one woman's scoundrel is another woman's statesman.

Agree?