Merry C******** America!

Dear America,

I'm writing to you today in regards to the date in question, December 25th. Apparently some years ago an infant was born, and some subsequent events occurred, and now your government has declared this day a federal holiday. It is the lawful day of celebration across the land. Yet it seems your rebellious nature has once again arisen, stirred to defy your repressive regime's insistence, mandate really, that you become a C******** for 24 hours. Good for you! Don't let them corral you into this peace on earth, good will towards men intolerance ... the beasts. You know better. Fewer times have I been prouder to be an American, or a C********, then in my employee dining room last night. On the table was one of corporate's many, many, "in the know" messages to employees in the form of a small plastic stand on the dining table like one might find listing variations of margaritas at a T*I Fridays. Within it they solicited donations to be placed under the "Holiday Tree." FINALLY! I exclaimed. A tree for all those long offended by my oppressive C******** faith! But my American pride was yet to swell bigger. I was touched at the progression towards human rights displayed when my son's school flashed in big red letters on its' sign this very morning: NO SCHOOL DEC 20-31, WINTER BREAK. As a desert dweller this break from winter couldn't of come at a better time. I intend to do some swimming, sun bathing and perhaps a touch of golf these 11 days, taking full advantage of this return to 90 degrees and clear skies. Well done America! WE will decide when it is and is not winter, not these pesky seasons!

So in closing America, I want to thank you. The oppressive rule of Santa and his cronies will no longer lay waste to these precious days of the Druid. We have taken back the end of December. Reclaimed it from the villains. After all, "Mr." Nick had it coming ... he's running a sweat shop over there.

Never give up the good fight C********'s, we can not rest until every vestige of our faith, and the holiday which celebrates it, is bleached clean from these fruited plains, never to arise again and stain our land with the injustice of love thy neighbor.

Sincerely,
F. Ryan

PS. I've heard some disturbing news that the Jews have a "Holiday Candelabra", and are demonstrating the audacity to call it the "M" word. Undoubtedly we need to dispatch shock troops to the location and immediately squelch this faith based insurgency. G** Bless.